Twenty-Sixteen Years Young and Counting...

By the time I finish typing this out, editing it for errors I can see and reread it for the errors I will still miss and eventually catch but be to lazy to redo, I will be one day closer to January 9th. I cannot believe that I was once a stocky, sexy man beast of a boy, strapping with testosterone and hailing a six pack at one time before the age of 16. Let alone I was handsome, without a jowl, single and no kids, running around town at all hours of the day and night partying like it was 1999 and listening to The Cure on my tape deck in my car.

I can remember when New Order's Blue Monday came out and I would sneak into clubs and dance to it. I also remember going to Cure concerts before they released Disintegration, their most popular and one of my least favorite albums, though it did hail some good songs. I remember going to the beach with friends, ditching classes and having fun surfing, hitting caffeine bars and talking to beautiful ladies twice our age at questionable locations.

But I also remember saying "I do" to the greatest woman I love. I remember the birth of my little baby girl Rivkah, how she cuddled into me and I could quiet her down while she nuzzled into my shoulder and neck. How she played with my hands and I would place her on her little bottom on the table and rest her against my chest while she would grab at things I placed in front of her which were colorful and I could make her laugh. The birth of my youngest daughter, for now, Mishka and how I prayed right before I went into the room to see her born that I would give her over to you, O Lord as Your child and not mine, that You will be her father and I am only Your servant and how I prayed that You raise her through me and I asked to be Your servant to her. I remember looking down into the eyes of Annakah and her calling me "Papa" for the first time and cuddling right into me when she found out I was going to be her step-father.

I remember going into work and finding out that they are laying me off right after I got married and made a move 500 miles from my family with no one around me I knew to look for as support. I remember struggling to find a job where I was going to make enough money to just have rent, let alone pay bills and get food, for almost two years. I remember swallowing my pride and moving my family into my own mother's home because I failed at being a husband and a father to my kids. I remember being told by some family and many friends that I was not being responsible enough to my family and how they themselves worked and toiled but I am not followng through enough or that God is punishing me for something and how I need to go to Him. I remember all the nights when I could not sleep and going to the adoration chapel, because no other Church on the Planet excpet the Orthodox and the Catholic have their doors open for anyone at midnight, so I could pray and cry out to my God that I needed work for my family. I remember getting up every morning either in tears to find work and coming home later after being told I was either overqualified or underqualified, or I did not fit the look for their company. I remember leaving California to Illinois being excited with a fresh start to work in a pig slaughterhouse just to leave the corruption of California on the family unit. I remember packing up and leaving Illinois because no one there was willing to give a fat, ex-Californian a chance or let alone hire me because none of my ancestors were buried in their graveyards. I remember heading up to Wisconsin for a new start, being separated from my family while they stayed in California and I went to find something more suited in a more open community like Fond Du Lac than Jacksonville, IL. I remember being told that I am the person they were looking for when I went to one of my job interviews. I remember picking up my family from the airport ina snowstorm and holding my three girls up high when I finally saw them for the first time in four months. I rmember losing my job in Fond Du Lac, not because of something I did but because the trade I am in is dead.

I remember recently hearing that struggles in life are common. Granted we do not even have a penny to this months rent and we are overdue as of two days ago, but somehow, somewhere God always provides. Yet I have to realize that even though I am no longer able to do manual labor due to my shoulder being permanently disabled, my wife is pregnant again and we are broke, this will probably be the best birthday I will have up to now. Because of the lack of funds this month my girls are making me presents from home. They want to do something special for their Papa. Yet right now they do not realize that they have already given me the greatest gift they could ever give, which is their love...

Oh Lord, show me how to love my children as You love us as children, to nurture and grow as seeds cast on fertile soil with open sun and good water. May Your Wisdom though your Spirit guide my heart and mind to understand where I fail and strengthen me further in the strengths You have bestowed upon me thus far. You are mighty in Your Ways and above all Wisdom of men! We humbly desire Your forgiveness in our failures and we seek Your Compassion in all these things, and in all things we do may it always be to Your glory! Amen.